Nekia Walker

I am no longer attracted to my spouse

  • When the magic has gone: Lost Physical Attraction says she is no longer attracted to her husband

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am no longer attracted to my husband. I try to be, but Iím just not. I think that he is beginning to notice it because I avoid any of his attempts at intimacy. Is it normal to just wake up one day and not find your spouse physically attractive?


Lost Physical Attraction

Dear Lost Physical Attraction,

You do not just wake up one day and, suddenly, your spouse is no longer physically attractive. What youíre describing most often happens over time. So, what caused this? And can it be fixed? Sometimes we find that our spouses are not ageing in a particularly flattering way. Wrinkles begin to form, hair thins and turns grey, and gravity begins to take its toll as things sag and droop. Each stage of life brings about changes but we tend to look at them negatively in our later years when we can no longer deny our mortality. To properly fix this, our society needs to change its overall attitude. We need to let go of the belief that youth is synonymous with beauty.

However, the most physically appealing person can become ugly if we focus on their negative qualities. Resentment from lingering marital and relationship upsets can take its toll on our physical attraction and we must learn to not allow these things to interfere with our sight. Can this be fixed? Yes. There are ways to boost physical attraction and intimacy and most times it just takes practising a few simple tasks daily. But you have to really want to reconnect on that physical level.

Each couple will be different in their journey but the key to success is asking yourself, was I ever really attracted to my husband? When did I begin to lose interest in him physically? Am I carrying any resentment towards him? How do I view my own physical changes and ageing process? Once you can pinpoint the when and why of your lack of attraction, then you can begin to correct what has gone wrong. A loss of physical attraction does not have to be permanent.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My husband goes on business trips quite frequently and, from time to time, his job requires him to work late nights. I am fine with this because I understand how demanding his professional life can be, but am having trouble sleeping at night. I hadnít realised how much I depended on him to get a good nightís sleep until he wasnít there with me. Meditation music and essential oils are not helping. What can I do?


Canít Sleep Without Him

Dear Canít Sleep Without Him,

It sounds as though you have a classic case of separation anxiety. While mediation and essential oils work great at calming the mind down for sleep, what you need is are substitutes for him being absent. First, invest in a good body pillow. They are long enough for you to cuddle with, which is key to providing you with security and comfort. If you cannot get a hold of a body pillow, use two standard pillows put together. Next, you will want to think about smell. We are very connected to our partners through smell, but this often goes unrealised. Either use his pillow to cuddle with, or gently spritz some of his cologne onto the pillow case. Your brain will do the rest of the work. Another thing that you could do is to place one of your hubbyís T-shirts on the pillow with a dash of his cologne before snuggling up to it at night.

Close your eyes and take deep breaths and try your best to avoid thinking of him not being there.If it helps, visualise that he is there.

Since we interact with the world around us though our senses, you could also have him call you to say goodnight as you are getting settled into bed or, if his schedule wonít allow it or he is in a different time zone, pre-record his voice. Lastly, try keeping a picture of him near the bed and look at it before closing your eyes.

Filling your senses with these simple tricks that serve as mental reminders of your husband should help to cut down on the anxiety and allow you a chance to get a good nightís sleep while he is away.

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