Dear Dr Nekia,
I do not always know where my husband is. Sometimes he comes home from work on time and sometimes he comes home a bit later. On the weekends he has been known to just get up and get dressed and walk out the door without a word of where he is going.
I never really question him and I didnít think much of it until friends and family began to say that I should be knowing his whereabouts at all times.
They think it odd that I do not inquire more about where my husband goes and say that I am playing with fire. To me, it is all about trust. Am I being a good wife or am I being naÔve by allowing him too much freedom?
Do I Make It Easy To Cheat
Dear Do I Make It Easy To Cheat,
Statistics do show that the more trusting one is of their partner, the easier it is for them to cheat. And people have admitted that a trusting, unquestioning partner makes cheating more attractive because it is easier.
While others even admit to choosing to marry someone with the knowledge in mind that they are trusting which will allow them to do whatever they choose without hassle.
However, this does not mean that you should not trust your husband. Nor does it mean that your trusting nature encourages him or tempts him to cheat. One thing that people must get into their heads is that a cheater is a cheater despite who their partners are or what their partners do and donít do.
So whether or not you are trusting, your husband will find ways and create opportunities to cheat if that is what he wants to do. I personally believe that your trusting nature is admirable. I do not believe that relationships or marriages should be a prison sentence. I think that we should learn and grow to trust one another whether we know the location of our partner or not.
However, I do also believe that we each should be open with one another about our daily habits and routines. In that case, you should not have to ask your husband where he goes or is going. He should automatically offer that information to you.
The fact that he does not doesnít mean that he is up to no good, it could be that he doesnít feel that you are very much interested since it is not your habit to ask. But if you ask him about his whereabouts and he gives you a defensive response, this is reason for concern.
The male ego can lead men to believe that they should never be questioned, and this part of it can kick in when confronted or if they feel like they are being cornered.
In the end, there is no such thing as too much freedom because you do not own him. There is only what you are and are not comfortable with so do not allow others to create doubt in your marriage where you feel there has been none.
Unless your husband has given you reason to doubt or question his faithfulness, please do not start simply because of others. Many relationships go sour because of the irrelevant opinion of others so do not let this happen to yours. Instead, take their advice as a precaution and use it to see how you could open the lines of communication between you and your husband. He may be just as eager to share the unknowns of his life as you are curious to know.
Dear Dr Nekia,
My boyfriend and I have a healthy sex life but I must admit that I do not get to orgasm as much as I would like. I enjoy our experiences whether I orgasm or not and I for the most part am satisfied; but as time goes on I notice that I am beginning to look at him differently. I canít help but to think that he is selfish because he knows that he did not bring me to orgasm but acts like it is OK. What can I say to him to let him know how I am feeling without hurting his feelings or having him blame me?
More Orgasms Please
Dear More Orgasms Please,
Conversations surrounding sex can be a bit awkward so I do understand your hesitation. However, maybe it will help if you change your perception a bit.
You should never be afraid to ask for what you need in your relationships. And this is true whether it has to do with sex or any other area of want or need. And in healthy relationships, if your partner is unwilling or unable to provide your request, then it is perfectly normal that you would both discuss the situation until a mutual agreement or arrangement is met.
The same goes for issues surrounding sexual pleasure. I know that at times we women want to spare the maleís ego, but we do neither him or ourselves any favours by holding back or pretending to be satisfied.
A man wants to please and this is very important to him. If it were not, he would not get so upset at the thought of him not being able to.
But when approaching him with the topic you may want to watch your tone and the words that you choose. There is a way of being honest and being heard without being cruel or destroying his self confidence. Besides when you destroy or lower sexual confidence in a male, you often times will get the opposite result of what you seek because he can develop what is known as performance anxiety.
Begin by telling him what you enjoy about sex with him. Then give examples of memories that you have with him. Be specific so as to create a visual for him. Men are visual creatures so recreate the excitement that you shared by being descriptive for him. Make him feel special and unique to you, and from there you can mention a few new things that you would like to try.
This will build his ego and make him think that you want to become more exploratory with him. Men generally are always up for trying kinkier things. It makes you seem more open and fun and this excites them.
Sometimes it is not even about the act as much as it is about a womanís openness to trying new things. They love the thought of you being unrestricted, so take advantage of this by using it as an opportunity to open the conversation about what it is that you want more of. Avoid telling him that he is doing something wrong or that you blame him for not bringing you to orgasm by teaching him what you like.
Yes, a lot of women feel that they should not have to teach a man anything, but this is unfortunate because they are the ones who miss out.
Teaching your man how to please you specifically insures that you will not have to be one of those women who gripe about their sexual frustrations. Besides, since you say that you enjoy him whether or not you orgasm, you seem to already have the foundation of chemistry which means you only need to build on this with technique.
If your man is not much of a verbal communicator, you can let him know what you want by leaving unexpected notes around the house, or sending him sexy videos that demonstrate it through out the day.
He will most definitely get the picture from the visuals that you send and you both should enjoy trying out what you see. Even if it is a fail, laugh it off and try again.
Sex is supposed to be enjoyable and fun, so try not to allow either of you to get too frustrated until you get it right. Look at sex as a journey and not a destination. There is no final goal, only a road of enjoyment and ecstasy for you and your man to embark on together.